As documented in the reputable peer-reviewed scientific journals Jezebel and Chinasmack, the life of a rare primate has been saved – once again, by a courageous butt-licking zookeeper. 50-year-old Zhang Bangsheng used warm water [NO SOAP? OMG! WTF?] to clean a small Francois’ Leaf Monkey’s buttocks, then began using his mouth to lick it, not stopping for over an hour, until the little monkey defecated a single peanut. Only after the peanut was defecated did Zhang Bangsheng laugh with satisfaction.

http://trib.al/dViMhS

http://www.chinasmack.com/2012/stories/zoo-caretaker-licks-monkeys-butt-to-help-it-defecate.html

I swear it wasn't me - musta been some other lady with 'GOD' tattoo'd on her forehead!

A sheriff’s office spokesman told The Smoking Gun that Calloway “took a liking to” the officer during one of her stints in the slammer. Calloway allegedly slashed the woman’s tires, called her at her house and sent her packages in the mail.

Cops said Calloway was easily identifiable because of her forehead tattoo and several metal teeth in her mouth, the Daily Mail reported.

If you’d like to meet her, new technology makes that possible. She has a YouTube channel at

“JAMIE GODHEAD PLATINUM (EL REAL JAMIE PLATINUM)”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/30/god-tattoo-mugshot_n_1465653.html

As if that were necessary to make him look foolish! Listen for the newscaster’s Freudian slip towards the end.

The Young Turks gently tear him a new bellybutton as well:

He has a blog, with no comments allowed. Surely we’ll catch him riding out his fifteen minutes of fame on a variety of TV talk shows in the weeks to come… Stay tuned!

A spokeswoman for the police department was quoted as saying “A small square cracker apparently went into her right eye and caused her injury.”

And for going to an Earth Day concert? You might say he went EnvironMENTAL on her!”

"Strawberry Frappuccino - made with real hand-crushed lady bugs"

Under intense pressure from the ever-more-powerful militant vegan lobby, Starbucks has reluctantly agreed to stop using crushed ladybugs as a natural red food coloring. Thousands of unemployed ladybug crushing technicians are now scrambling to finish their undergraduate degrees in philosophy, in hopes of being hired as baristas.

Tomato-based dye will replace beetle juice faster than you can say “This doesn’t taste quite right; may I please have my money back?”

"Maybe Trayvon did get a few good licks in after all?"

This is confirmed by ABC to be Zimmerman’s head (see image above) 3 minutes after the police arrived at the scene of the alleged crime. One can’t help but wonder why it took so long for this image to surface – or what other surprises might await the general public.

Before Surgery - Umar Farooq Has Six Legs

Umar Farooq was born with six legs – as seen above – due to a rare congenital disorder called ‘polymelia.’ After surgery, the number of remaining legs was reduced to the popular and convenient single pair, as seen in the photograph below. If the Pakistani government can pay for poor people to have emergency surgery – can ‘developed’ countries be far behind?

National Institute of Child Health, Karachi

 http://india.nydailynews.com/newsarticle/4f905c5ab7445cd232000000/pakistan-doctors-remove-extra-limbs-of-six-legged-baby

A Texan convicted of drunk driving has been ordered by a judge to wear shaming device made by the  mother of the man he killed in June of 2011. Michael Giacona will wear the style-cramping sign, which reads “I KILLED AARON COY PENNYWELL” for four whole days – all of them Saturdays! He is also required to display a framed photograph of the victim’s destroyed car in his living room, and to wear an alcohol monitoring device. It’s unclear if he is prohibited from drinking, prohibited from drinking more than a certain  amount, or simply prohibited from drinking and driving. He served only 90 days in jail – in spite of this not being his first DUI. The name for this combination of penalties? “shock probation”

“You make me nervous, and the reason you make me nervous is I believe what the witnesses said about your behavior that evening: That you were, even after killing someone, still looking to get more alcohol,” -Harris County Court-at-Law Judge Michael R. Fields

When they’re not busy exposing Scientologists, Anonymous clearly enjoys baking experiments. See videos above and below. #OpCannabis

"Oh, The Cleverness of Me!"

Let this be a lesson to young people – Do not take incoming friend requests lightly!  Michael Baker of Kentucky is charged with ‘unlawful taking’ (a misdemeanor) after posting this photo of himself siphoning gas from a Jenkins City police cruiser on Facebook. Click here to see the arrest warrant.

And heck, why not?  It worked so well with that beached whale up in Oregon: (the video below is a followup to another video which has been on the internet for nearly two decades; the exploding whale is truly a timeless classic.)

Watch this video full screen to get the full effect. The startle reflex on this guy sets a gold standard for the new millennium. Apparently the bear, nicknamed ‘Glen Bearian’ by the locals, makes regular appearances on the streets of Montrose, California, where he walks around looking for food. To paraphrase an old public service announcement “If you walk, don’t text… and if you text, don’t walk.”

Hanoi, Viet Nam – Traffic Lieutenant Nguyen Manh Phan of the Ba Vi District Traffic Police Division is serious about enforcing the law – the bus driver, Phung Hong Phuong, 37, who previously served four years in prison for causing a fatal accident in the southern province of Dong Nai, drove almost one kilometer with the cop standing on the front bumper of his 39 passenger vehicle. He’s yelling out ‘call the police’ at the folks they’re passing. Full Article Here.

The defense  lawyers’ attempts to justify this shock treatment are almost as disturbing as the torture itself. Their basic premise is that, because administrators of the Judge Rotenberg Center offered the plaintiff a drink of water and a bathroom break, 31 electrical shocks administered to a disabled teenager, tied spread-eagle, face down, is an appropriate punishment for refusing to take off his coat.

As you may have heard, Fox News leans slightly to the right of center.

http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpp/news/undercover/shocks-given-at-rotenberg-center-were-harming-autistic-teen-expert-testifies-20120411

For the crunchy granola lovers, Mother Jones leans slightly to the left:

http://motherjones.com/mojo/2012/04/video-child-being-shocked-rotenberg-school-autism

(They also did an expose of the school way back in 2007)

If the justice system can’t sort things out, well, there’s always Anonymous:

Port Allen, Louisiana – In most towns, the dog catcher just catches dogs. Animal Control in gator country is another story – they are versed in the local fauna and flora. Before the authorized personnel arrived at the Super 8 Motel, a guest from Mississippi recognized this rare opportunity to prove his manhood. He got bit, and drove himself, bleeding, to the nearest hospital, while the gator was captured without incident by somebody more qualified.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/04/13/us-usa-alligator-idUSBRE83C02O20120413

A 5-year-old boy found dozens of bags of heroin inside a jacket he had taken to school and showed them to his kindergarten classmates, the school superintendent said Tuesday.

Police have told the Connecticut Post the boy took 50 packets of heroin out when it came time for a show-and-tell presentation…

The boy’s stepfather, 35-year-old Santos Roman, (pictured smiling from ear-to-ear above) went to the school and recovered the jacket, but police had already seized the drugs.

Roman was arrested on risk of injury to a minor and drug charges.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2012/04/10/national/a060913D62.DTL

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/Daughter-Tries-Fails-to-Save-Mom-From-Coming-Train-147032105.html

Not to be outdone by the widely misunderstood visionary playwright Seung-Hui Cho, One L. Goh (formerly Su Nam Goh) decided to try his hand at killing a bunch of people for no good reason in a short period of time. Disgruntled about the refusal of a small, private Christian school to return his $6,000.00 tuition fee, he ordered a classroom full of people to “Get in line … I’m going to kill you all!” before opening fire, according to a witness. 7 people are dead, and at least 3 more injured. This happened in the (normally crime-free) City of Oakland, Ca. He later surrendered to police at a Safeway parking lot on the Island of Alameda. WWJD?

Maggots work for next to nothing - cleaning wounds 'round-the-clock!

“The first therapeutic use of maggots is credited to a second Confederate medical officer Dr. J.F. Zacharias, who reported during the American Civil War that, ‘Maggots … in a single day would clean a wound much better than any agents we had at our command … I am sure I saved many lives by their use.’ He recorded a high survival rate in patients he treated with maggots.”

And If doctors use them, well, shouldn’t everybody?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggot_therapy

Kevin Shelley falls a few toilet seats short of breaking his own world record, but it’s still the stuff dreams are made of… what could be more inspiring than somebody willing to bleed for his passion? Also, his costume is off the hook – Karate gi made of fake satin bedsheets.

Icing on the cake? – this video had an advertisement for the Mormon church on it!

“Hours before an appointment on Monday for the labor office to check on his health, the 56-year-old man held his left leg against an electric saw in his home workshop and severed his foot just above the ankle… threw the foot into an oven… called an ambulance… An emergency operation was unable to reattach the foot”

According to reputable sources, this happened in the town of Mitterlabill, province of Styria, Austria – Where, clearly, the workman’s comp benefits are quite competitive.

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/26/us-austria-foot-idUSBRE82P0M920120326

“I just want to convey to the people of the world the message of turning waste into something useful, and the culture of recycling and using organic fertilizers.”

(We’re quite relieved to hear that massive profit is not part of his agenda!)

“Dressed in a panda suit to promote his tea, An invited a dozen or so guests to help hand-pick the first batch of tea at his plantation at the weekend.’

(The panda suit proves that China is immune to western cultural imperialism!)

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/19/us-china-panda-tea-idUSBRE82I04O20120319

video is here:

http://www.reuters.com/article/video/idUSBRE82I04O20120319?videoId=231916937

You gotta watch this to the bitter end, when he spits ‘em out, to appreciate the SIZE of these very special roaches – they are seriously about a quarter of a pound each! (That’s 113 grams to all you dirty foreigners)

Same man, Travis Fessler, also holds the world record for ‘most targets hit by a whip while simultaneously swallowing a sword.’ But that’s another story for another campfire.

“According to police documents, the man would look up employee photos in the agency’s database. He ‘would pick out the attractive females and then on off-hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.’

Raymond Charles Foley, 59, was charged with second-degree criminal mischief.”

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20120403/NEWS01/304030055/Alleged-chair-soiler-turns-himself-in

So, like, what exactly *is* it with drunk people that makes them think non-drunk people want to have sex with them? Oh, yeah! Alcohol impairs motor coordination, judgement, and reflexes… Seriously!

http://www.altoonamirror.com/page/content.detail/id/559605/Attempt-to-fulfill–cop-fantasy–ends-in-DUI-charges.html?nav=742

Apple products are prohibitively expensive In China – iPhones start at 3,988 yuan ($600), and iPads begin at 2,988 yuan ($450).

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9191325/Chinese-boy-sells-kidney-to-buy-iPad.html